


Life or Death

by writemydreams



Series: To Love a Vampire [1]
Category: BUCK-TICK, D - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe - Historical, M/M, Vampires
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-07
Updated: 2014-01-07
Packaged: 2017-12-28 18:18:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/995022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writemydreams/pseuds/writemydreams
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Atsushi is struggling to adapt to the new technologies of the Meiji Period and often hides out in the countryside where little has changed for the last century. Out in the country, he meets Asagi: a young and beautiful, but sickly, human who quickly wins his heart. When Asagi falls ill with a fatal disease Atsushi must decide between saving Asagi's life by turning him into a vampire or keeping him human and letting him slip into death.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Asagi

**Author's Note:**

> Warning for illness and drama later in this fic. Asagi and Atsushi do not belong to me. The universe, the character portrayals, and the writing do though.

For hours, the stars and the night creatures had been Atsushi’s sole companions. He wasn’t sure where he was—not lost; to be lost one had to have a clear destination in mind. It was rare for Atsushi to have a travel destination. He went wherever the road took him. Sometimes he went to cities, other times he lingered in small, farming towns that had changed very little in the last two hundred years. He felt more at home in those tiny villages. They, like him, were a product of a previous era. Modern cities made him anxious. Pale foreigners with strange hair and eye colors, the trains and metal ships that spewed out smoke that made his eyes water… But he and his beloved Yuuki had agreed to separate, to familiarize themselves with this new world before it left them behind and turned them into relics of the past. And so, every time Atsushi hid out in the countryside, he felt guilty. But cities made him uneasy and he felt alone.

Sighing softly, Atsushi adjusted his pack. There was little chance of finding a city out in these rolling hills. Sometimes the road disappeared into thick forests only to spit him out again beyond the trees. This “pattern” had continued for the last three days with no sign of a human. Atsushi knew he needed to leave this isolated lands behind. Although he could last several days without blood, he didn’t want to risk being in a place where there was no chance of drinking human blood. Surviving on animal blood was… unpleasant, but possible. And something he’d had to do before when he wandered too deep into the countryside. Once he reached the top of this hill he could survey the land and see if there was a town anywhere near.

Atsushi paused at the top of the hill. Judging by the moon’s position there were still another five hours until dawn. He would need shelter before sunrise… either he retreated back into the forest or kept going. Atsushi hesitated as he glanced back. Surely it was better to continue to follow the road that twisted over the hills. Atsushi abandoned his leisurely pace and ran down the hill, moving at the vampire speeds he’d long grown accustomed to.

At least he could truly be himself in these parts of the world.

*   *   *

Another day passed without any sighting of a farm or town. There were hoof marks and wheel ruts in the road though, signs that people had been here. Atsushi hoped to encounter these people soon. Ever since awakening, he’d felt pangs of thirst. It had started to bother him yesterday but was worse tonight. He tried not to focus on his thirst as he continued running.

The tracks continued down the road. Within half an hour, the wind changed to blow in Atsushi’s direction. It carried the smell of flowers, horses, and human life. Somewhere ahead of him were people. Perhaps this was some wealthy man’s country home? Or a temple. Atsushi slowed to a human’s pace as he reached the top of a hill. Down below was a valley with a river cutting through it. The road branched off towards a fine looking manor. Behind it was a stable and to the right of the house was a beautiful garden. A manor like this required servants. Atsushi took no pride in admitting that seducing servants for their blood (or more) had never been difficult.

He started running again. Atsushi slowed to a human pace as he neared the manor, suddenly self-conscious. What if someone was outside and had seen him? Or looked out the window? No… surely they wouldn’t see him. His shoulder-length black hair and black clothing made it easy for him to blend in with the night.

Atsushi paused to breathe in the scent of life. He could smell humans in the stable and in the manor… but also one in the garden. The garden was best; he could drink blood without fear of spooking the horses or being discovered. And then flee into the night. Atsushi approached the garden then froze as he heard singing. The voice would be inaudible to human ears but so clear to a vampire’s. The singer was male, the words and voice beautiful. Atsushi automatically started walking faster. Who possessed this angelic voice?

As he reached the garden, Atsushi immediately winced and covered his eyes. The man in the garden carried a lantern on a staff. Atsushi’s eyes, accustomed to starlight and moonlight, ached from the lantern’s brightness. He forced his eyes open, squinting as he waited for them to adjust. The singer’s back was turned to Atsushi so it was impossible to his face. He had silky, waist-length hair and wore a grey yukata with a pattern of dark blue roses. Clasped in his left hand was the staff from which the lantern hung. His sleeve had fallen back to expose one pale wrist. Atsushi felt his fangs threatening to emerge. Angrily, he pushed them back with his tongue. He wanted to see this man’s face before he considered biting him. Atsushi blinked as he realized the man seemed to be singing to the red rosebush in front of him. Singing… to flowers? Was no human willing to listen to such a beautiful voice?

Atsushi was spellbound as the man turned. He brushed his hair back behind his ear to reveal more of that pale (almost as pale as Atsushi himself), perfect face. He was easily one of the most gorgeous men that the vampire had ever seen. Atsushi watched as the man smiled then leaned down to pet a grey and white cat. The smile made his face and eyes light up. His happiness made him even more beautiful than he already was. Atsushi’s fangs threatened to present themselves but he angrily shoved them back. The mere thought of drinking this beautiful creature’s blood sickened him. Atsushi couldn’t—wouldn't—do it.

The man sighed softly as he reached out to touch one of the roses. “I suppose we should return to the manor before my doctor comes looking for me.” He glanced down at the cat, smiling fondly as the little animal batted at his hair. The man stood then dusted off his yukata. He took a step towards the manor then stopped, gripping his staff tightly for support as he started to cough. His lantern trembled with his body, making Atsushi wince as the light fell on himself. Should he reveal himself or flee? His decision was made when the man raised his head and looked right at him. Shocked, he raised the lantern to get a better look at him then blushed deeply.

“Oh!” He ducked his head to hide beneath his long hair. “I… I was unaware that I had company.” In a lower voice that was meant to be heard only by his cat (yet easily audible to Atsushi)— “How embarrassing! To catch me singing to roses and you, Minya. Surely he must think me mad.”

Atsushi hid a smile. Mad? No, he didn’t think that. This man was fond of his cat and his roses. If he enjoyed singing to them then that was his choice. Wealthy men had done stranger things before. “Forgive me for disturbing you,” he apologized. “I… I have been alone for some days. When I saw your manor, I couldn’t stay away. And then I heard your song…” he took a step closer. “You have one of the most beautiful voices that I have ever heard.” He smiled as that made the other man blush again. There was something… adorable about his blushing.

“I did not intend for anyone to hear me sing, but thank you for your kind words.” The man brushed his hair back. “I hope you do not think me absurd for singing to my roses and my cat.”

 “No,” Atsushi said softly. “Clearly it brings you pleasure so how could I think you absurd?”

That earned him a smile. “Who are you, traveler? My name is Asagi.” He coughed again then winced as he rubbed his chest. “I’m sorry. My health has been poor all my life. It’s why I spend most of the year here.”

His health explained why he was so pale then. “I understand. Where is the rest of your family? Are they here with you?”

“My parents and siblings are in Tokyo.” Asagi sighed softly. “I miss my family but when I am in Tokyo, I cough even more and have headaches. Sometimes my family comes here to visit me but there isn’t always time. Still, I enjoy this manor. It’s peaceful here.”

Atsushi nodded. “Then at least your health, not your home, is the problem. You are fortune to call a beautiful place like this home.” Atsushi had seen terrible living places over the years. One of the worst being the frozen outpost in the north where he’d met Yuuki.

“That’s true. I’m sorry, I’ve yet to hear your name.”

“My name is Atsushi.” He didn’t bother to elaborate further.

“Atsushi the traveler?”

The vampire gave Asagi a faint smile. “Something like that.”

Asagi started to speak but broke into a fit of coughing. Worried, Atsushi moved closer. He laid a hand on Asagi’s shoulder then tentatively rubbed his back. “Are you all right?”

“I’m fine,” the other man replied in a raspy voice.

“You don’t sound fine.”

Asagi sighed softly. “I appreciate your concern for my health, but I’ve been coughing for the last three weeks. There’s little I can do for it.”

Coughing for three weeks? That was alarming. Why was he outside in the garden when he should be abed? Atsushi gave him a gentle nudge towards the door. “I understand. But please, go inside and rest.” The best thing Asagi could do for himself was to drink some tea to help with his throat then lie down. Remembering the cat, Atsushi glanced around and found Minya rolling in the grass. Someone was enjoying himself.

Asagi sighed as he rubbed his throat. “I suppose I should… though I’d prefer to stay here and enjoy the night air.” He approached the door. Minya, seeing his master about to leave, padded over to him. Atsushi could only stare for a few moments. Never had he seen a cat that followed a human around like a dog! It was sweet though. And surely Minya would like to lie by Asagi and purr. Incentive for him to lie down. “Come in and stay the night, Atsushi. You must be weary from traveling.”

“Thank you.” Atsushi was grateful for the invitation. Partially because he didn’t want to sleep outdoors again and partially because of what he was. A vampire could not enter someone’s home without their permission or invitation. If Asagi hadn’t expressed verbal permission then Atsushi wouldn’t be able to enter. And he did want to stay here.

He followed Asagi into the manor. A worried maid immediately pounced, taking the lantern from Asagi.

“A bath has been prepared for you and the doctor has already laid out your medicine. Would you like to take it with tea?” she asked, giving Atsushi a brief glance before returning her attention to Asagi. He could see that she genuinely cared about the other man. Servants who were treated well were always more likely to care for their employers.

Asagi brushed his hair back. “I’ll take my medicine later. Atsushi, would you like to bathe?”

“Yes,” Atsushi replied immediately. Although he liked the solitude that nature offered him, he loathed having to bathe in a stream.  
He frowned as Asagi started to cough again. “Asagi… you need to take your medicine,” he said softly.

“He’s right,” the maid said.

“I’m fine,” Asagi insisted once he could breathe normally again. He sighed then leaned down to gather Minya into his arms. He cuddled the cat against his chest before glancing at Atsushi. “I’ll have the servants prepare a bath and a room for you. Are you hungry?”

The dreaded question. Atsushi would have to eat something later to avoid arousing suspicion but if he tried now, he would probably make himself ill. “No, I made myself dinner earlier.” His actual “meal” would have to wait until the majority of the household was abed. He felt terrible for preying on Asagi’s servants, but he needed blood.

Asagi nodded. “I’ll show you around the manor while your bath is being prepared.”

“What about yours?” Atsushi asked, frowning. “Won’t your bathwater get cold?”

Asagi shook his head. “The servants can always add extra heat to keep it warm for me.”

“I see.” Atsushi followed him as Asagi started to describe the manor. There were two levels in the manor. The family’s rooms were on the upper level while the kitchen, the study, and the servant’s quarters were on the lower level. There was also a cellar for storing wine and food. It seemed like a comfortable place to live. Especially when Asagi mentioned the natural hot spring a mere half hour’s ride from the manor. Atsushi would have to visit that when he left this place.

*   *   *

After bathing, a maid showed Atsushi to his room. It had the look of a room that hadn’t been lived in for some time. There were few personal effects to the room. There was a chest for clothes, a small table, and the futon that had already been laid out for him. The windows made him anxious though. They were glass and drawn with shutters, but the shutters still let in light. Atsushi would need to cover them to protect himself from the sun. That was a matter he could deal with later though. Until then he would enjoy the feeling of being properly clean, wearing clean clothing, and brushing his hair out with a proper comb instead of his fingers.

Atsushi was sitting on his futon doing just that when he sensed Asagi’s presence outside the room. He could see his outline through the shoji. Judging by the smell Asagi had brought some tea with him. Worried the other man would start coughing again and end up dropping the tea, Atsushi quickly got up so he could let Asagi into the room. Like him, Asagi’s hair was damp and he’d changed his clothing. He didn’t look quite so pale anymore either. But that was only from the heat of the water.

“Oh!” Asagi looked surprised. “I’m sorry… I’m sure you desire to rest but I thought you might like some tea.”

“I’m not tired,” Atsushi replied. “And I would like some tea.” He stepped aside so Asagi could enter. “How is your throat?”

Asagi sighed. “My throat and chest are sore from coughing. But,” he smiled sadly. “I’m used to it.” Atsushi wondered how often he was sick. Alarmed, he took the tray as Asagi started to cough. He held the tray with one hand then ushered Asagi over to the low table so he could sit. Once he’d done so Atsushi set the tray on the table. He filled a cup with the green tea then nudged it towards his host. Watching a coughing human made him anxious, especially if they were as kind and beautiful as Asagi.

“You should be resting,” Atsushi said softly. “Your health should be your priority not that of a simple traveler you’ve just met.” He didn’t want this man to exhaust himself for his sake. Atsushi wasn’t worth it and didn’t need to be tended to like a human.

Asagi coughed again then shook his head. “I would make a poor host if I focused solely on my health. And I have already spent most of the day abed… if I spent the rest of the night in bed as well I think I shall scream.”

Atsushi couldn’t help but laugh at that. “Such is the price of illness.” Asagi had yet to touch his tea so Atsushi, again, pushed the cup closer to him. This time Asagi took the unsubtle hint and sipped his tea. “Thank you for letting me into your home.”

He blinked as Asagi smiled again. Poor thing… he must be so lonely if this could make him so happy.

“You’re welcome. But how could I not have invited you? I would never force someone to stay out in the dark.”

“Are there any villages nearby?” This would give Atsushi a chance to learn what else was here besides the manor.

“Two hours by horseback. It’s a little remote, but my father wanted a peaceful location for when he grew weary of the city. My mother also stayed here during her pregnancies. It was more relaxing for her to live here than it was for her to be in Tokyo.”  
Atsushi nodded. That was understandable. He was about to say something but paused as Asagi began to speak again. “My parents would like to spend more time here, but my father runs a business. If he isn’t in Tokyo then who will run the business for him? So he stays… he’ll bring me little presents and news. Until my family visits, the world might as well end with this manor. I know little of what goes on in the outside world.” He gave Atsushi a hopeful look.

The vampire sighed. “You won’t hear much from me. I’ve spent much of the last years away from the cities.” Not wanting to let the tea get cold, he took a sip. Ah… to have such delicious tea was a rare treat. He sipped it again then set the cup down. He could see that Asagi was burning with curiosity but too polite to simply start asking questions. “I’m a painter,” he explained. Sort of. He got bored out by himself and needed some sort of hobby to entertain himself. “I prefer the beauty of nature for my paintings. I seek out towns when I need food and grow weary of the woods.”

Asagi looked curious. “May I see your work?”

“Of course.” Atsushi left the table to get his pack. He opened it then pulled out the thick, waterproof case that he used to store his paintings. He handed it to Asagi, watching his face as he looked through Atsushi’s work. By no means did Atsushi think of himself as a master painter. Painting was something he’d enjoyed as a human and he’d continued to improve his paintings throughout his years as a vampire. And it gave him the perfect excuse for travelling. He could also sell paintings if he needed money for lodging or supplies.

“These are beautiful,” Asagi said, eyes wide as he looked up at Atsushi.

“Ah, they’re not that special,” Atsushi laughed awkwardly as he rubbed the back of his neck.

Asagi shook his head. “There’s no need to be modest! These are truly beautiful.”

“You can keep some of them if you like,” Atsushi replied.

Asagi’s eyes widened. “You would give me your paintings?”

“Of course. You’ve opened your home to me so I would like to give you something in return.”

Asagi beamed at him. “Thank you. May I… keep your roses?” He clearly loved roses.

Atsushi nodded, earning himself another happy smile. Looking at Asagi suddenly made him feel anxious. Staying for longer than this one night could be dangerous. Asagi was so sweet and charming that it’d be all too easy to care for him. To develop feelings for him. And what good would that do but shatter Atsushi’s heart into a thousand pieces? Asagi’s poor health proved that Death had already laid eyes on him.

“Thank you.” Asagi carefully set the paintings of roses aside. He abruptly started coughing again, almost dropping the case. He set it down then rubbed his chest. Worried, Atsushi moved over to him. Immediately he had to bite his lip. Asagi’s movements had made his yukata slip down to reveal more of his pale throat. Just one bite… Furious, Atsushi shoved the thoughts away. He would _not_ bite Asagi. The vampire gently adjusted the yukata, fingers brushing Asagi’s skin. He jerked his hand back as he felt the heat radiating from Asagi’s skin. Now he was feverish.

He hesitated then abruptly lifted the other up into his arms. Surely this was unspeakably rude but Asagi was ill and needed to rest, whether he wanted to or not.

“Atsushi!” Alarmed, Asagi clutched the front of his yukata. “Please, put me down. I’m too heavy.”

“No you’re not. I know the thought of being confined to your bed again makes you want to scream but please, consider your health. You have a fever.”

Asagi sighed loudly as he relented. “All right.” He didn’t protest again as Atsushi carried him to his room. The servants must have prepared it for him while he was in the bath since the futon had been laid out for him. Atsushi gently set him on his futon before pulling back.

“Did you take your medicine?” The maid had mentioned medicine when Asagi first brought Atsushi into the manor.

“I have. The tea I brought you is supposed to help with my health… I thought it would do you good to have some as well. Traveling is always tiring.” Asagi sat up then raked his long hair back. “I’m sorry, I won’t be able to make a good host for you tonight.” He smiled sadly. “Again, my health confines me to my room.”

Atsushi pitied him. Asagi was so bright and lively… yet a prisoner in his own body. “Shh, there’s no need to apologize. You’ve been a wonderful host. You’ve given me a bath, some tea, and a place to stay the night. I couldn’t be happier.”

The words seemed to comfort Asagi. “I guess… I should get some sleep,” he said quietly. “And so should you. You must be tired.”

If only Asagi knew the truth. “I… I am not tired, actually. I mostly travel by night.” He didn’t want to confess his affliction to sunlight, but Asagi should know why his new guest would be unwilling to step outside during the day. And why he would cover the windows in his room.

Asagi’s eyes widened. “The night? Why? How can you possibly see well enough to travel?”

“I travel at night because I must,” Atsushi said quietly. “The sunlight, for some reason, bothers my skin. I feel ill if I stay out in daylight for too long. This is why I am so pale.”

Asagi bit his lip. “I’m sorry. That must be so difficult…”

“It can be. My eyes have learned to adjust to the darkness though and I have seen plenty of beautiful things at night.”

Asagi nodded. “I guess you won’t be tired for some time then. If you would prefer, a maid can cover the windows in your room so it’s easier for you to sleep.”

“Thank you.” Now Atsushi wouldn’t have to see how awkward it would be to request this himself. He took a step back. “I should let you rest.”

Asagi pulled his hair over his chest, absently running his fingers through it. He looked as if he wanted to continue the conversation. Atsushi wouldn’t mind speaking to him more… if Asagi were healthy. “If there’s something you need, send for one of the servants. They will tend to your needs.”

Atsushi decided he would borrow a lamp so he could paint in Asagi’s garden. It’d be interesting to paint by lamplight instead of moonlight or merely his own dark-accustomed eyes. “I will do so. Good night, Asagi.”

“Good night.” Atsushi waited until Asagi was lying down before leaving the room.

 **Notes**  
1) I'm going to work on the Art of Denial and try to get a chapter or two done while I figure out more details for Life or Death. I have a rough timeline figured out but I need to decide just how much of Asagi and Atsushi's relationship I want to write.  
2) Poor Asagi... it's going to be hard to abuse him in this fic. He's so sweet and innocent.


	2. Stay With Me

Atsushi brushed the curtain back to look outside. It was still raining though the thunder had stopped. A thunderstorm had woken him and he hadn’t been able to fall asleep again. After tossing and turning for hours, he’d given up and decided to paint. He’d painted Asagi’s rose garden (which he could see from the window) and after finishing that, wondered if he should leave his room in order to find his lovely host and paint him… but Atsushi decided he would leave Asagi in peace. Asagi was probably busy with his servants or, as Atsushi preferred to think, resting in his room. Had his fever gone down yet? Atsushi didn’t know. Equally concerning was his worry for the other man. Already he cared more than he should for a man he’d only just met.

“You’re a vampire,” he whispered to himself. “You can’t afford to get attached to another human.”

Especially to a human who didn’t know that he was a vampire.

Atsushi glanced towards the doorway to his room then back out the window. It was best that he leave tonight, even though he didn’t relish the thought of leaving the warm and comfortable manor to travel in the rain. Asagi was a kind soul so he (Atsushi assumed) would invite him to stay another night. Tempting as it was to stay in the manor where he had a comfortable room, a roof over his head, and fresh blood available to him (Atsushi wasn’t proud of himself for drinking a maid’s blood) it was too dangerous. Atsushi knew his own nature quite well and knew that he would develop feelings for Asagi. That was why he had to leave. Atsushi would cherish the memories of his sweet host as he continued his journey in this strange, new world.

The sound of approaching footsteps caught his attention. Atsushi turned away from the window, recognizing Asagi’s scent before his host announced his presence.

“Atsushi? Forgive me if I am disturbing you but I wondered if you were awake…”

“I’ve been awake since the storm hit,” Atsushi replied. He braced himself for the inevitable offer to stay. He _must_ refuse! The longer he stayed with a human, the greater the risk of his true nature being discovered.

“May I come in?”

Atsushi laughed softly. “Of course, this is your home.” He watched as Asagi slid the shoji open and stepped into the room. He wore a yukata in a similar style to the one he’d worn yesterday and his skin was still a little flushed. Did the fever still linger? Atsushi frowned again. Why was Asagi visiting him when he should be abed? Atsushi resisted the urge to throw his hands in the air in frustration. Humans! They were so infuriating whenever they refused to accept the limits of their fragile bodies. Yuuki had been the same… and it seemed that Asagi was also too stubborn to admit that he should rest. Why were humans such maddening creatures when it came to their health? Atsushi imagined he’d be ready to tear his hair out if he stayed with Asagi for much longer.

Atsushi kept his thoughts to himself as he politely bowed his head to his host. He brushed his hair back as he straightened. “How do you feel today?”

Asagi sighed. “My health remains poor as always but my fever has gone down.” He walked over to join Atsushi by the window, tucking his yukata beneath his legs so he could sit. The vampire cast him a quick glance. He did look a little healthier than he had last night. “Atsushi… I think it would be best if you stayed here another night. The rain doesn't seem to be letting up and if you leave tonight, it’ll make for a miserable journal. So you are more than welcome to stay with me another night.” Asagi tried to keep his voice level but his voice and eyes betrayed his eagerness. Asagi clearly wanted him to stay the night.

_Refuse!_ Atsushi told himself. But… now that he looked at Asagi… he couldn’t help but think of how convenient it would be to stay. He wouldn’t have to travel in the rain, wouldn’t have to worry about finding shelter from the daylight.

And if he stayed he would surely fall for his host and suffer. He _had_ to leave.

Atsushi opened his mouth to speak then shut it as he saw Asagi’s hopeful look. Damn it, how could he upset his charming host by refusing? “I would love to stay,” he replied, knowing that he was already doomed. “But only if it isn’t too inconvenient…”

Asagi’s face lit up. “No, it’s not inconvenient at all!”

Atsushi returned Asagi’s happy smile with a weak one. “Thank you. You are far too kind.” And he was far too soft for agreeing to stay despite the risks. “I suppose… it is better that I stay another night. I imagine this weather makes the roads around here difficult to travel.”

“Yes,” Asagi nodded. “The river may flood or you could fall ill from being soaked by the rain. But you’ll be safe here.”

Fall ill… fortunately Atsushi didn’t have to worry about that. Although the visual of a coughing vampire was quite amusing. He frowned as Asagi started to cough. “Should I get you some tea? I’m sure a hot drink would help soothe your cough…” he trailed off, biting his lip as Asagi continued to cough. The damp chill must be wreaking havoc on his already frail health.

Asagi took a shallow breath then rubbed his chest. “I’ll tell a maid to bring us tea.” He turned away. Atsushi watched him leaving the room, frowning as he heard him coughing again.

This kind, gentle human was so worrisome.

 

*   *   *

 

The rains continued for the next four days. Every afternoon, Asagi came to Atsushi’s room and look out the window commented on the state of the weather. Then he would turn to Atsushi, say it was too risky for him to travel, and insist he stay another night. And every time, Atsushi ignored the logical part of his brain and agreed. By now he’d been here for almost a week and was reluctant to leave. It was so… comfortable here. Asagi was warm and hospitable, the servants were kind to him since he made their master smile, and Asagi’s beloved cat Minya had even come to visit him while he painted. The cat had curled up in his lap and purred for him. Atsushi could have sworn his heart melted at the sound. It’d been too long since he’d last been able to spend time with an animal like this. And he’d always had a soft spot for cats.

 “Atsushi?” Asagi called his name, catching his attention.

“Yes?” Atsushi turned from the window to see his host standing in the doorway. In his hands was a tray with two teacups and a teapot. Judging from the scent, the servants had prepared green tea for them.

“I thought I’d bring you some tea.”

Atsushi rose, moving over to the small table and seating himself in front of it. “I appreciate your kindness but there is no need for the host to attend to my needs. Especially since you are so often ill…” he trailed off as Asagi frowned at him. The young human sniffed as if offended then joined him at the table, setting the tray down first before taking a seat across from Atsushi.

“My health is poor, yes, but I do not need to be confined to my bed chamber like a helpless invalid. A doctor has suggested I try this before and it does little for my health. It only makes me sad…” Asagi sighed, glancing at the window then back at Atsushi. “It’s still raining.”

“Yes,” Atsushi said softly, raising the tea and taking a sip. Ah yes, it was green tea. He glanced up as he felt Asagi watching him. Maybe he should break the ritual and ask Asagi’s permission to stay the night. He already knew it would be granted… Asagi clearly enjoyed his company. Why, Atsushi wasn’t positive about that, but Asagi was a lonely man and Atsushi was someone new and interesting with stories of a world Asagi was unlikely to see and various paintings he’d done along the way. He smiled behind his tea as he heard Asagi’s soft intake of breath. The request was coming… he knew it.

“Atsushi…” Asagi hesitated, brushing his hair back behind his ear. “It has rained every day since you arrived at my manor. Every day it rains, I ask you to stay one more night in my manor. And with each morning I fear that the sun will come out and you will decide to leave. I… I wish the rains would last the whole month so you will agree to stay with me for longer.” Asagi clutched his yukata sleeves tightly, biting his lip before continuing. “It’s not yet been a week since you arrived but I truly enjoy your company and you seem to be happy here. So I… I…” Asagi shut his eyes and continued, heart beating loudly. “I open my home to you, Atsushi. I would love if you stayed… but it’s your decision. If you do decide to stay, then you may live here with me for as long as you desire.”

Those were not the words that Atsushi had expected to hear. He stared at Asagi, wide-eyed, as he considered the dangerous request. The man across from him was nothing but temptation. Atsushi knew his heart would break if he stayed here. He loved Yuuki still… a part of him always would… but he knew he would fall in love with this fragile, beautiful man who had been nothing but kind to him ever since they met. And Asagi would either die from one of his many illnesses or Atsushi would stop his heart and turn him like he’d done with Yuuki in order to save him. He was setting himself up for pain with either option.

“I…” Atsushi swallowed. Slowly he set the tea down then leaned over to take Asagi’s warm hand. His host’s eyes flew open and he looked at Atsushi, insecurity written all over that beautiful face. Atsushi gave him a faint smile. “I will stay so long as I’m welcome.”

Part of him knew this was a mistake. He was setting himself up for heartbreak, the risk that Asagi would find out that his new companion wasn’t human, but the lonely part of him ignored his more logical side.

As he watched Asagi’s face light up in a heart-warming smile, Atsushi didn’t see how this could possibly be the wrong choice. If him staying made lonely Asagi glow with happiness, then Atsushi knew he’d chosen right.

“I’ll tell the servants that you’ll be staying with us.” Asagi laid his free hand over Atsushi’s, still beaming. “Once the rains stop I’ll send them into town to purchase more painting supplies for you… I don’t want you to run out.”

 “Thank you.” Atsushi smiled faintly then pulled his hands back so Asagi could leave and tell his servants. He watched Asagi go then looked out the window again. Without Asagi there, it was easier to think with a clear head. Staying… opened him up for heartbreak. As he already knew. But what would he gain if he left? Nothing. He’d been lonely before he met Asagi. At least if he stayed, he could keep Asagi company. Watch over him, try to keep him healthy and insist that he rest more. Asagi clearly wouldn’t listen to his servants and his doctor so someone had to take charge of his health. That someone had to be Atsushi.

It was best that he stay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Atsushi is realizing that he can't say no to Asagi


	3. Confessions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Three months had passed since Atsushi accepted Asagi’s proposal to live with him. During those three months, their friendship had deepened. Atsushi had fallen hopelessly in love with his sweet host.

Three months had passed since Atsushi accepted Asagi’s proposal to live with him. During those three months, their friendship had deepened. Atsushi had fallen hopelessly in love with his sweet host. He hadn’t believed it possible to love someone again. Yet that love had happened. Atsushi sensed that Asagi shared his feelings, but didn’t want to push the other man into confessing. Asagi was still so young. He needed time to come to terms with his emotions. It was unlikely that Asagi had ever been in love before. Not when he'd been isolated to the countryside for the sake of his health.

“Atsu.”

“Mm?” The vampire glanced over as he heard his name.

Asagi smiled at him then leaned back on his hands. The summer breeze stirred his hair as he looked up at the stars. “Thank you for walking with me. For showing me that the night can be just as beautiful as the day.” He turned his gaze back to the vampire, soft light from the lantern laid over his thighs making his hair and clothing shine in the darkness.

“You’re welcome.” Atsushi reached out to brush Asagi’s hair back over his shoulder. Humans were meant to thrive in the daylight so he appreciated that Asagi enjoyed taking nighttime walks with him. He always brought a lantern with him and, for Asagi’s safety, they didn’t stray too far from the manor. But Asagi came with him and enjoyed their time together.

Asagi opened his mouth to speak. The words died on his lips when he started to cough. He pressed the sleeve of his kimono over his mouth, coughing harder.

Atsushi bit his lip and moved closer to rub Asagi’s back. He wished he could do more to help him. Once the coughing fit had ended, Asagi rubbed his chest while a grimace twisted his beautiful face. He coughed so much that he had frequent chest pains. This human was the cause of so much worry for Atsushi. His coughs didn’t seem to be anything serious. However, in the three months that Atsushi had stayed at the manor, he’d seen Asagi with a fever, coughing almost daily, abed with terrible headaches… what was the cause of Asagi’s frequent illnesses? The countryside air was supposed to help him. Atsushi wondered if there was any place in their world that would give Asagi health.

He sighed softly as he rose to his feet. “I think we should go back to the manor.”

“It was only a cough. And I feel fine!” Asagi protested.

“And yet you hold your chest with a look of pain.”

Asagi frowned at him. “I’m not ill, Atsu. I want to stay here and watch the stars for a little longer.” He looked puzzled when Atsushi leaned down then yelped in protest as the vampire swept him up into his arms, lantern and all. “Put me down!”

“You won’t leave unless I carry you away from here by force.”

Asagi glowered up at him. “Are you a highwayman come to carry me off?”

Atsushi chuckled softly. “Not quite.” Ignoring the other man’s protests, he carried him down the hill.

“I am perfectly capable of walking by myself!” Asagi complained. He gave Atsushi a stern look.

The vampire laughed softly as he adjusted his grip on Asagi. "For the sake of your health you shouldn't push your body."

Asagi gave him a mutinous look. "You sound like my doctor."

"I'm doing this because I care." Atsushi hid a smile as he heard Asagi's heart quicken.

"You-" whatever Asagi would have said was cut off when he started to cough again. The lantern shook as Asagi tried to get his breathing under control. Atsushi sighed softly as he listened to the coughs. Maybe it was a mistake to have brought Asagi with him for his nighttime walk. He should be resting in his bedroom. Atsushi would be more careful with him the following night.

Panting softly, Asagi leaned his head against Atsushi’s shoulder. “I wish I could be as healthy as you,” he whispered.

Atsushi bit his lip. “I wish you could too.” The health of his body wasn’t quite realistic though. He became sickly as well—for a vampire—when it’d been too long without blood. Exhaustion, his injuries didn’t heal, and his skin started to crack after a week without blood. Atsushi had to be very careful to wet his appetite so as not to arouse the suspicion of his hosts.

Asagi let out a sigh. He seemed as if he would speak again, but he was quiet until the lamps outside the manor came into view. “We’re almost to the entrance now. Please, put me down! I can walk!” He protested.

It was tempting to refuse him. Atsushi decided to finally honor his host’s demands though. “All right. I will carry you if your coughing gets worse," he warned. He didn't want the other to strain himself.

Asagi nodded quickly. “I won’t protest then.”

Atsushi gently set him down on his feet, laying a supportive hand on his back in case he needed help to find his balance.

Asagi smoothed down his hair and clothing with the hand not holding the lantern. "You fuss more than my doctor does," Asagi grumbled.

"As I said... I do it because I care." Atsushi smiled as Asagi blushed. "Let's get you inside."

 

"Asagi?" Atsushi gently rapped his knuckles against the shoji. When he returned with their coughing master, the servants had rushed to prepare a bath and tea for Asagi and the doctor came to check on him. Atsushi had retired to his room to give Asagi some space. It'd been enough time that the activity over Asagi should have ended by now and he wanted to check on his sweet host.

"Come in."

Atsushi slid the shoji aside so he could enter. Asagi was sitting up on his futon while he combed his damp hair. A blanket lay over his legs and another was wrapped around his shoulders. For a few moments, Atsushi simply studied him. Asagi’s skin had a light flush from his bath and his breathing and heart rate seemed to be normal. "How do you feel?"

Asagi gave him a wry smile. "I'm not as ill as you think me to be. I'm a little tired but that's all." He set the comb aside.

"You don't have a fever? Headache? What about the cough?"

Asagi gave him a look of fond exasperation. "I don't have a fever, I haven't coughed since I took my bath and my medicine, and your persistent questioning is going to give me a headache."

Atsushi laughed softly as he sat down next to Asagi. "I can't help but worry about you. You've been so kind to me ever since we met. It's... Difficult to see you so ill."

"I've been sickly since my birth," Asagi reminded. "I'm used to my poor health. Still, I do as much as I can so I can live a full life."  
"That's a good philosophy to follow."

Asagi blushed as Atsushi moved a little closer to him. "Thank you. I could spend my days being upset and miserable because I'm not strong like you. But it's easier this way. I do as much as my health... And now you," the exasperated look returned, "allow me to do."

Atsushi reached out to run his fingers through Asagi's damp, silky hair. "As I said earlier," he said softly, hearing Asagi's pulse quicken from his nearness and the touch. "I fuss because I care." He hesitated as he studied Asagi's face. Outside, he had no intention of confessing his feelings. It was too soon, Asagi was too young, and he didn’t want to push the other to return the confession or make him feel guilty if Atsushi had read him wrong and Asagi felt nothing but friendship for him. Yet… hearing Asagi cough like this… reminded Atsushi that mortal life was too short to waste on uncertainties. As a vampire, it would be easy for Atsushi to wait decades to see if their friendship would develop into love. Asagi might not have decades though. And that thought scared him.

"Asagi," he said softly. "I... I didn't think I would be capable of loving someone again. Long ago I gave my heart to another. But during our time together, I've grown to care so deeply for you. I love you, Asagi." Tenderly he brushed the blushing human's hair back. "I've fallen for your sweet nature and your charms. I love you so much and I am so grateful to you for everything you've done. All the kindness you showed me-"

He blinked as Asagi put a finger to his lips. His host was still blushing but he smiled warmly as he shifted closer to Atsushi. "I'm the one who should be thanking you. For most of my life I've been isolated to this manor. But you came, you stayed, and you taught me about the outside world. You became my friend. I love you too," he gave Atsushi a shy smile. "I wondered if someone existed who could ever love someone as sickly as me but you did." Impulsively he threw his arms around Atsushi's neck, filling the vampire's nose with Asagi's scent. Roses and soap from his bath, the tea he drank earlier...

Atsushi returned the embrace. For a few minutes he simply held Asagi. To be loved again... it was a surreal feeling.

"That's why I worry so much about you." He nuzzled Asagi's hair. "I love you, I fear for your health, and I hate to see you suffer."

He knew he should tell Asagi the truth right then. That the man who returned his love was not an ordinary man. Asagi deserved to know that Atsushi wasn't human. But if he told him now... How could Asagi ever accept him?

Three Years Later

Atsushi would forever remember the day the rainy season began in 1895. It represented one of the darkest times in his long life. He’d seen so many rainy seasons come and go over the years. Memories blurred together or were forgotten. Yet this day would make him view this time in a different light for the rest of his life.

The fateful day started as his days so often did. After becoming an official resident of the manor, he and Asagi had coordinated their schedules. Part of their waking hours were spent during the day for Asagi and part during the night so Atsushi would be able to walk outside with the other man.

It was late afternoon now and Atsushi was starting to wake up. He could feel the warmth of Asagi’s body next to him and gentle fingers running through his hair. Such a relaxing feeling. Atsushi didn’t want to open his eyes just yet.

The peaceful moment was disrupted when Asagi began coughing loudly. Atsushi opened his eyes and turned to look at his lover. Asagi was sitting upright on their futon, yukata hanging off his shoulder and hair a mess from lying down. His hand was clasped over his mouth as he coughed. Atsushi sat up as well and gently rubbed Asagi’s back. It’d been three years since they confessed their love to each other. Asagi’s health either improved or declined during their time together. Something felt… different about this cough though. It gave Atsushi a bad feeling.

He kept rubbing his lover’s back until he’d stopped coughing.

“My throat hurts,” Asagi whispered in a raspy voice. He slumped against Atsushi’s side then gave him an apologetic look. “I’m sorry I woke you.”

“There’s no need to apologize for coughing.” Atsushi kissed the top of his lover’s head. He rubbed Asagi’s back again, biting his lip as he listened to the younger man catching his breath. Asagi was so often sickly that Atsushi had adjusted to the sound of his frequent coughing. Yet something about this cough made him feel anxious. Why though? What was so different now?

“Should I get you some tea?”

“Please.” Asagi brushed his hair back then looked up at his lover. His face was paler than normal—or that could be a mere illusion caused by his night-black hair and pale grey kimono. Atsushi pressed a tender kiss to his lover’s lips with a promise to return quickly. Then he stepped out of the room.

Once he had the tea, Atsushi returned to their room. Over the years he’d learned that mixing some of his blood into his lover’s tea or food would improve Asagi’s health. The small amounts of vampire blood Asagi ingested did help him but now… Atsushi wasn’t sure if he would be able to do anything for his love. Worried, he stepped into the room so he could give his lover the tea.

*

Asagi’s cough and chest pains continued throughout the week. On the fourth day, a servant was sent to bring the doctor from the nearby village. The doctor closed himself and Asagi in his room to conduct his examination.

A worried Atsushi waited in the hallway with the cook and the maid. The two had known Asagi since his birth. The servants couldn’t hear what was occurring in Asagi’s bedchamber, but Atsushi could. Every word, every cough, every concerned noise from the doctor as he examined Asagi.

“How long have the coughs gone on?”

“Four days. They began with the rains.”

“I see.” The doctor sighed as Asagi coughed again. He didn’t speak while the coughs continued then made quiet noises of concern. Was he examining Asagi now? Atsushi wished he was in the room so he could support his lover.

“I hate to be the bearer of bad news, Asagi, but these are not ordinary coughs like the ones I’ve heard from you over the years.” Another sigh. “If my diagnosis is correct… and I believe it is… you have tuberculosis.”

Asagi sucked in a breath. “Tuberculosis?”

“Yes,” the doctor said softly. “I’m so sorry, Asagi.”

“…Could you send Atsushi in?”

“Of course.” Atsushi heard the doctor leave the room then he came down the hall where Atsushi, the maid, and the cook were waiting.

The maid stopped wringing her hands as she saw the doctor. “Asagi…?” she trailed off as the doctor shook his head, expression grave.

The man sighed as he looked at them. “Asagi… has tuberculosis.”

Atsushi closed his eyes. He knew of this disease. He’d heard about the havoc it wreaked in Europe. Now tuberculosis had come to this manor. “Is there any way to cure him?”

The doctor shook his head sadly. “No one has been able to find a cure yet. It’s best that he get plenty of rest. All we can do is to be there for him.” He took a breath as if to continue then seemed to think better of it. Atsushi could fill in what he’d planned to say.

Until the end. 

“He asked for you,” the doctor said.

Atsushi nodded. Quietly he excused himself. Once he was out of sight he practically flew to his lover’s room. The shoji was still ajar and Asagi sat on his futon, arms around himself. He was so pale. Slowly he raised his head to look at Atsushi. The vampire was already walking across the room to him. He knelt in front of his lover, gently cupping his face as he saw tears welling up in Asagi’s eyes.

“I’m going to die from this,” he whispered.

“Shh… don’t say such things.” Atsushi stroked the tears away as they slid down Asagi’s cheeks. His hands started to tremble and he pulled Asagi into his arms. Why… why did every man he love fall ill? He hugged Asagi close to him, biting his lip as his lover sniffed and clung to him.

“I’m scared,” Asagi’s voice cracked. “People with tuberculosis die. There’s no cure… I’m going to die coughing up blood.” He started to tremble as he clutched Atsushi tightly. “There are still so many things I wanted to do. So many things I wished to see.” He took a shaky breath then coughed again. “And now I’ll never do any of these things.”

Atsushi slowly stroked his lover’s hair. He wanted to offer him encouragement. Tell Asagi that he was strong enough to make it through this disease. But he couldn’t bring himself to lie to his lover. Tuberculosis was an executioner. Once a person contracted the disease, it was unlikely they would survive.

That diagnosis began a nightmare that no one in the manor could awaken from.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did some research on tuberculosis to look into symptoms and the history. Nasty disease :( I read that it killed 30% of the European population in the 1800s. Japan had terrible awareness for treating TB patients. They usually only went to TB wards when they were near the end of their life. By then, they'd probably infected other people already.


	4. Life or Death

Loud coughing woke Atsushi from his slumber. Slowly he cracked his eyes open, frowning when he didn’t feel Asagi’s familiar warmth next to him. Where was he? Ah, there he was. Asagi was sitting in front of the window. One hand grasped the curtains, holding them back enough so that sunlight would shine on Asagi but wouldn’t reach Atsushi. His hand dropped from the curtain when he started coughing harder. Atsushi moved to sit next to Asagi, gently combing his fingers through his young lover’s hair. He wished there was more he could do. All he could do was provide comfort with his presence though.

“Do you need some water?”

Still coughing, Asagi shook his head.

Atsushi held back a sigh. It was instinct to offer his lover water or tea even though he knew that they wouldn’t do much for him. He wished the folk songs about magical cures for fatal wounds or diseases were real. Then he could save his lover and restore his health. Instead of watching him waste away. It had already been a week since the doctor’s visit and the terrible diagnosis. For the sake of the servants that had known and loved him since childhood, Asagi tried to be positive about his condition. Tried to be strong. The truth came out when he and Atsushi were alone. Asagi often cried himself to sleep in the vampire’s arms, sobbing about how he didn’t want to die. It’d taken him hours to write a letter to his family since he kept crying on the parchment. He knew his chances of survival were minimal.

Once the coughing spasm ended, Asagi took a harsh breath. “I wonder if I did something terrible in a past life,” he rasped.

Atsushi cast his lover a concerned look. Asagi, do something terrible? “What do you mean?”

“I’ve had poor health since my birth. That’s why,” Asagi swallowed, “I can’t help but wonder if this is punishment for something I did in a previous lifetime. To be given this frail body and die ravaged by disease.” His voice was so full of despair that Atsushi had to act. He pulled his lover into his lap, holding him tightly against his chest.

“Sh,” Atsushi whispered into his hair. “Don’t say such things.” How could someone as gentle and compassionate as Asagi have been a cruel soul worthy of punishment? It was unlikely as a vampire being able to walk under the sun.

Asagi drew breath to respond then started to cough again. Atsushi winced in sympathy at the sound of the deep, chest-rattling coughs. Hearing them was so painful. There was nothing he could do to help so he stroked Asagi’s back, biting his lip as he waited for the coughs to pass. “While you slept,” Asagi finally spoke in a rough voice. “I thought about… something.”

“About the possibility of you having been a villainous fiend in a past life?” Atsushi asked, hoping to bring a smile to Asagi’s lips.

“Not only that,” Asagi said quietly. He moved off of Atsushi’s lap then turned to face him. “I thought about becoming like you. A vampire. Free of disease, strong, healthy… I could stand by your side forever.”

Atsushi’s eyes widened in horror. Turn his sweet, innocent Asagi into a vampire? No! He would never condemn him to such a fate. It’d been different with his first love. Yuuki had been a soldier, accustomed to death and blood. Asagi, though, had never known combat. Only the war inside his own body.

“Atsu?” Asagi whispered.

“I can’t.” Atsushi shook his head violently. What Asagi asked of him was impossible. To condemn his precious lover to eternity as a vampire… he would never be able to do such a horrible thing. “You don’t understand what you’re asking for!”

“I’m asking you to save my life!” Asagi cried. “Or would you prefer to watch this disease consume me?”

Atsushi smoothed Asagi’s hair back then gave him a sad smile. “I wish there was a way to save you, my love, but I know you could not handle being a vampire. You’ve seen the pain I go through. When I told you I wasn’t mortal, you insisted that I feed only from you. But if you and I are both vampires then you will have no choice but to drink from strangers. Strangers will panic when they feel your fangs sinking into their skin. They’ll fight to get free, they’ll beg you to let them go.” Atsushi swallowed. “There will even be nights where you are so overcome with thirst that you drink too much and end up killing someone. You’ll leave a corpse behind. The body count will continue to rise with every year… sometimes I feel like I have left a mountain of corpses behind me. To be a vampire is to be an executioner cursed to a life of blood and darkness.” The words came out harsher than he’d intended, but Asagi needed to hear what the cost of being a vampire was. “You can’t live like that. So please, do not ask for something so terrible.”

Asagi’s eyes were troubled as he looked up at Atsushi. “So you,” a fit of coughing interrupted him. Atsushi reached out to rub his back, but Asagi would not allow it. “So you would rather see me dead?” his voice was raspy, eyes accusing as he studied his lover.

Atsushi flinched as if he’d been slapped. “Asagi… that is not what I want!”

“But you will not make me a vampire. Because you refuse to do so, that means you would rather see me dead.” Asagi shifted closer, grasping Atsushi’s shoulders tightly. “Tell me that my death is what you prefer!”

The vampire closed his eyes in pain. “Yes,” he whispered, voice cracking. “I would rather see you dead than watch you live on as a monster.” He didn’t want to see his lover’s expression so bowed his head, wishing he could close off his other senses so easily. He heard Asagi’s pulse quicken, heard his sharp intake of breath. Felt him recoil and stand.

“Then you do not love me as much as you claim to,” Asagi said quietly. “You have a way to save me but you will not do so.” He started coughing violently again. Atsushi opened his eyes, raising his head to look up at his lover. It killed him to watch him coughing like this. To know that a bite could spare his lover, but Atsushi had told him that it was impossible. He’d already condemned one sweet lover to a vampire’s life.

Asagi’s lips were flecked with blood by the time he finished coughing. There was a catch to his breath and his eyes were wet with tears. “See? You will not even answer me.”

Atsushi quickly stood and approached his lover. “You are human so you do not understand what you request of me! I love you so much, Asagi. I love you so much that I know you couldn’t handle being a vampire.”

“You turned your first lover!” Asagi shot back. “What makes me so different from Yuuki? You’ve lived with me just as you lived with him. I’ve seen what you go through. I’ve seen how you miss the sun, how the thirst torments you. Why did you turn him but refuse to turn me?”

Atsushi winced at the question. “You and Yuuki are very different. He was a soldier in his mortal years. I was also a young vampire then. I’d only been a vampire for six months when I met him. I didn’t know how difficult it would be to continue living on as a vampire. Yuuki was the first human to accept me as a vampire… and the first vampire I traveled with. Since then though, I’ve spent years alone. I know how to live with only myself for company.” He sighed as he studied his lover. “Losing you will be agony, Asagi, but it will hurt more if I turn you into a vampire.” He smiled sadly as he framed his lover’s beautiful face in his hands. Asagi tried to pull away but the vampire wouldn’t let him. Asagi needed to see that a vampire’s life was too high of a price to pay. Atsushi opened his mind and started sharing thoughts with Asagi. Aching thirst, fear of the world changing, his constant lust for blood, satisfaction and disgust as his fangs entered human flesh, pain when he realized he’d drunk too much and would now leave a corpse behind.

Gasping, Asagi wrenched away from him. Tears trailed down his cheeks as he trembled, wrapping his arms around himself. “This… this is what you live with?” he whispered.

Atsushi nodded gravely. “It is. And I hope you understand why I won’t condemn you to this life.” He reached out to brush Asagi’s tears away but his lover turned his back to him. The vampire frowned when Asagi headed towards the shoji. “Where are you going?”

“To my garden.”

“But you need rest,” Atsushi protested. He would only aggravate his poor health if he went walking around.

Asagi whirled to face him. “I am dying,” he snapped. “I want to spend the remainder of my life where I want to instead of confined to my chamber as I’ve done all my life. Do not follow me. I need time to think, and I wish to be alone.” He stormed out of the room.

Miserable, Atsushi sank to the floor. Though Asagi now understood that to be a vampire was to suffer, he knew they would quarrel about this until the end.

* * *

Three weeks had passed since their fight. Asagi’s condition had worsened and he spent most of his days confined to his chamber, as the doctor had ordered. Atsushi’s guess about their quarreling had been correct: Asagi was determined to leave his mortal life behind and become a vampire.

I can bear the pain if I am by your side. We could be together forever, my love. You will no longer have to travel alone…

How can you claim to love me if you will not save me?

Do you truly wish me dead?

Why won’t you turn me? 

The questions so often came after a coughing fit. Asagi’s voice would be rough from the harsh coughs, blood often flecking his lips as he raised accusing eyes to meet Atsushi’s. Hearing those words and seeing that gaze always caused him pain. As much pain as watching Asagi’s body wither. He’d lost weight, often had fevers, and was constantly coughing. They’d fought again earlier and Atsushi was coming to his room with a cup of tea to try to make amends. Or was Asagi still too upset to speak with him? He’d tried to leave the room but had been so dizzy that he had to lie down, cheeks stained with tears as coughs racked his body. Atsushi had wanted to stay with him. To comfort him, but Asagi had told him to leave him alone.

Had enough time passed? Atsushi couldn’t tell. He hesitated outside the shoji, biting his lip at the smell of death and roses that greeted him. The change in Asagi’s scent had been subtle but now the death smell was stronger. Tuberculosis was consuming him and it was only a matter of time before Asagi’s body gave in to the disease. A terrible fact that both of them knew.

Finally, Atsushi entered the room. Asagi was sitting up now with several pillows behind him to prop him up. A letter was clasped in his hands but he raised his head as he heard Atsushi. Asagi was pale… always too pale… but he didn’t look upset to see his lover.

“I brought you some tea,” the vampire said softly.

Asagi set the letter aside. “My mother is coming to stay with us.”

“That’s good,” Atsushi said. Asagi needed to have his family with him. His father, brothers, and sisters had visited him at least once to say their goodbyes. They wanted to see Asagi while he was still strong enough to bear the presence of family and their pain. He sat down next to his lover and offered him the tea.

“Thank you.” Asagi took the tea. He sipped it slowly, lowering one hand from the cup to rub his chest. “My mother will stay until I die.”

Atsushi winced. “Maybe you’ll overcome this.”

Asagi snorted. “And maybe you will suddenly be able to walk in the sun.” He sipped the tea again.

Biting his lip, Atsushi moved closer. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. Lovingly, he smoothed Asagi’s bangs back. His worry deepened when his fingers brushed his lover’s heated skin. “You have a fever.”

“It started earlier.” Asagi started to cough again, barely managing to set the tea down without spilling it on himself. Atsushi pulled his lover against his side to support him. Asagi fumbled for a handkerchief and pressed it to his lips. Atsushi cringed as he smelled blood. The coughs were usually bloody now.

Asagi slumped against him to catch his breath. Atsushi stroked his long hair and wished for the thousandth time that he could cure his lover without turning him into a vampire. Sweet, gentle Asagi couldn’t handle it. Just the visual of him hunting down a human for their blood killed Atsushi. He was adamant about keeping his lover human. Even if it meant losing him.

“Should I get you some water? Or the doctor?” Atsushi asked, circling his arms around his lover and holding him protectively.

Asagi shook his head. "Neither can save me from dying."

Atsushi flinched. He hated to hear Asagi talk about his death. "Don't talk like that."

"It's true," Asagi said softly, shifting to look up at him. "We both know I will die from this. Maybe next week... Maybe next month... maybe even tomorrow." He reached for the tea and finished. He took a breath then met Atsushi’s gaze. “Unless you turn me.”

“Asagi,” Atsushi protested. “You know I can’t.”

“No. You are perfectly able to do so… but you always refuse. I-” he started to cough again. He tried to shrug Atsushi’s hand off when he reached out to stroke his hair, but the vampire was determined not to be pushed away again. He needed to be here for his lover even if he was unhappy with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing this chapter was difficult because I didn't want to write them fighting. Boo. It was sad to have them bickering constantly and then to write about Asagi being so sick.


	5. A Fateful Decision

Atsushi paused in front of the manor and looked up. Asagi’s window was open with a lantern on the windowsill. He couldn’t see his lover in the window but knew he was in the room. It had been difficult to leave his side, but Atsushi knew he should give the doctor and Asagi’s mother some time alone with him. So he had gone into the town. There he’d purchased more painting supplies and a gift for Asagi. A dark grey kimono with a swirling pattern of roses. The garment was beautiful and would suit his lover well. Atsushi hoped it would bring a smile to Asagi’s face. There was precious little for him to smile about as his health continued to decline.

He sighed softly as he entered the manor. He had barely made it inside before Asagi’s mother approached him. She had arrived shortly after Asagi first asked Atsushi to make him a vampire. Her presence had made Atsushi nervous at first, but she had soon accepted him and his relationship with Asagi.

“How is he?” Atsushi asked softly. He should have greeted her properly, but her grave expression made him worry. Had something happened…? No, he could still hear and smell Asagi’s life.

His anxiety deepened as she wrung her hands, losing her composure as she nibbled her lip. A nervous habit she shared with her son. “Come with me. There is something you should know before you see Asagi again.”

“As you wish.” Atsushi followed her. If his heart could beat, it would race as rapidly as hers did. Something was clearly wrong. But what? He could hear the musical beating of Asagi’s heart and raspy breaths that were frequently disrupted by horrible coughs. 

She led him into her room then turned to face him. “Asagi…” she swallowed as she clutched the prayer beads around her neck. “His condition has worsened since yesterday. You have seen this,” she said softly. “And his health shows no sign of improving. Not even rest and tea can help him now.”

Atsushi winced. He knew Asagi’s physical state all too well. Especially compared to yesterday. It had been a rare day of energy for him, a day that had given everyone hope that he might live through this. Asagi had the strength to walk through the manor and visit the rose garden he’d once tended so dutifully. The servants tended it in his stead since Asagi was too ill to handle the work himself. He spent most of his days abed now as the tuberculosis ate away at his strength. He’d lost weight and was so pale now. It was terrifying to watch his lover crumbling before his eyes. “He is still abed?”

Asagi had been in his room, in the company of his mother and the doctor when Atsushi had decided to give them some time alone with Asagi. 

She nodded. “He collapsed when he was coming to take his bath,” she said quietly, lowering her eyes. “Coughing up blood. I… I had him put to bed and the doctor called for. He said there is little he can do now. That Asagi,” her voice cracked as she spoke her son’s name, “does not have much longer to live and that I-I should arrange for the funeral.” Tears welled up in her eyes as she spoke the words. She was a strong, proud woman but watching her youngest child suffer shattered her. Asagi was the most precious to her out of all of her children. Not even her eldest son who would inherit the family lands could compare to her beloved youngest child. Fortunately for Asagi, there was little resentment from his other siblings. They loved him dearly and when not at the manor themselves, they wrote him letters. 

Atsushi closed his eyes. The news came as no surprise to him. Only he could smell the difference in Asagi’s scent whenever he came to see him. Asagi tried to disguise his death perfume by arranging for more flowers to be in his rooms. At first he’d tried to have incense burned in his room at all hours but the smoke made him cough so badly that the doctor had forbidden the burning of incense in or near Asagi’s bedchamber. 

Her voice shook as she spoke again. “Enjoy what little time you have left with Asagi for soon I shall have to bury him.” She sniffed, brushing her tears away. “Go… I will not hold you back from my son any longer.”

“Thank you,” Atsushi said softly, pausing near her to bow his head in appreciation. “You have always been kind although I am… not the proper wife that Asagi should have been with.” He knew Asagi should be married and have children of his own. Ill health had prevented him from living a regular life. Perhaps it was selfish, but Atsushi was grateful that Asagi lived in the country manor. If not for that, he would never have met Asagi. And if he had not met Asagi, where would he be now? Lonely and feeling empty somewhere? He didn’t want to think about it. He was here and so many wonderful things had happened because of it. Atsushi hadn’t expected to fall in love but knew his life was better for loving Asagi. And to his eternal shock, his mother had accepted him. Especially since his presence provided comfort for her son.

…Even though he was often the cause of Asagi’s pain.

“Why won’t you turn me?” the tortured voice echoed through his thoughts.

Atsushi sighed as he studied Asagi’s mother again. “I will come for you if he starts to feel worse.”

Asagi’s mother forced herself to smile but could not bring herself to speak. Atsushi quietly left, taking himself back to Asagi’s room where his lover waited. He heard coughing fits as he neared the room and started walking faster, quickly parting the shoji and stepping inside. The scent of death and roses greeted him, as it always did. Asagi was doubled over and coughing so violently it sounded like his lungs would break from the strain. Still he raised his head, smiling weakly as he saw Atsushi.

“You’re here,” he whispered, voice raspy from the coughs.

“I am.” Atsushi sat down next to him, biting his lip as he studied his lover. Asagi looked as if he was already at death’s door. “I bought you a gift when I visited the town.”

“You did?” Asagi blinked. “Oh, Atsu, you didn’t have to…”

Atsushi kissed his lover’s hair. “I wanted to.” He pulled the kimono out of his bag. “I saw it and knew I had to buy it for you.” The roses were perfect for Asagi. He watched his lover smile and Asagi reached out to run his fingers over the silk.

“It’s beautiful.”

Atsushi circled his arms around Asagi. “Beautiful like you.”

“Not now,” Asagi whispered. “I know… I know I look terrible. I know I’m dying.” He took a breath then looked up at Atsushi. To the vampire’s horror, Asagi’s eyes were bright with tears. “I don’t want to leave you. I know you’ll be alone… I know you’ll be miserable. But,” Asagi sniffed and closed his eyes to let the tears spill down his heated cheeks. “But you will not turn me. So many times I’ve asked you and still you refuse. I guess.. I was not able to be as good a lover to you as I tried.”

Atsushi flinched. Asagi had tried many tactics for getting what he wanted. This didn’t seem like an attempt to get Atsushi to bite him, but genuine remorse. “Oh, Asagi.” He held him tighter as he stroked his arm. “That's not true at all. You are perfect.”

“Then why?” Asagi’s voice cracked as he looked at him. “Aren’t you afraid to let me die?”

“Yes.”

“We could be together! I would be healthy. We could travel, watch the world change around us. I wouldn’t have to die and you wouldn’t have to be alone.”

Atsushi bit his lip as he studied Asagi’s face. He looked so desperate that it broke his heart to see him like this. “You know why. You know what I’ve shown you. You’ve seen me struggle… you’ve seen how I am tormented by what I am.” He reached out to brush Asagi’s dark hair back behind his ear. “And no matter how much I love you, I can’t condemn you to that fate.”

He was surprised when a defiant look crossed Asagi’s face. He watched, confused, as his young lover grasped his hand and held up his wrist. Once Atsushi realized what Asagi was doing, he tried to wrench away, but Asagi had already bitten him. The blood made him cough and Atsushi felt his lover’s bloody saliva on his wrist. It wasn’t as disturbing as seeing Asagi lower his wrist, lips and teeth red with his and Atsushi’s blood. 

“See? I can bite. I can drink blood,” Asagi said softly. “I am used to seeing it.” He wiped his mouth on his sleeve then doubled over as he started coughing violently. 

Atsushi bit his lip as he watched his dying lover. So desperate to become a monster… it pained him to see this. 

* * *

As the doctor had warned, Asagi’s health continued throughout the night and the morning. He couldn’t sit up without feeling dizzy, his fever had risen throughout the night, and the doctor’s expression was grave when he came to tell them that Asagi likely would not live to see another day. Asagi’s mother had spent much of the day with her son. Atsushi had not had the heart to intrude so had waited until his mother went to bed before going to see his lover. 

“By tomorrow I’ll be dead,” Asagi whispered, raising his gaze to his face when Atsushi entered the room. “Unless you save me.”

“Why do you continue to torment me with this?”

“Why won’t you turn me?” Asagi shot back. He started to cough again. Atsushi sighed and helped him sit up, rubbing his lover’s back and wincing as he felt how warm he was. This was terrible… but even more painful would be stealing Asagi’s humanity from him.

“So many times we’ve argued about this, my love. You know why.”

“I proved yesterday that I can bite. That I can drink blood. You could teach me how to be careful so that I don’t kill someone. We could live together and if you will make me a monster then we will be monsters together,” Asagi rasped.

Atsushi bit his lip so hard it bled. “You would hate being a vampire.”

“How do you know that? You have lived with me for three years but you do not know how I will react to being a vampire. I am kind and gentle, yes, but people can change. People can always change. And I want to live…” Asagi sniffed, drying his wet cheeks. “I want to live so badly and I don’t understand why you won’t give me a chance to live a life where I am not constantly weak.”

Atsushi winced at Asagi’s argument. “What if you hate what you are?”

“Vampires die in the sun. If I so despise my new life then I will step under the sun’s rays and end it.” Asagi looked at him and the passion in those eyes made Atsushi’s arguments seem so feeble. Asagi could live… he could try this life… and if he hated it, he could end it. It would be his decision and Atsushi wouldn’t have to watch his lover die. But would a vampire’s life bring more pain to Asagi? Atsushi didn't know. He was silent as he studied his lover, meeting those passionate eyes and envisioning Asagi as a vampire. The thought still repelled him… but it was not as painful as picturing him as a corpse being lowered into the ground. 

“…All right,” he finally said.

Asagi’s eyes widened in shock. “What?”

“I will…” Atsushi swallowed. “I will make you a vampire.”

Asagi flung his arms around his neck and clutched him tightly, whispering words of gratitude. He started to cough again, head falling onto Atsushi’s chest as his body shook with his coughs. Asagi’s body was giving out. 

“Is there anything you wish to say to your family…?”

“I have already said good night to my mother.” Asagi coughed again. “I never know if I will wake up and see her again so our good nights are also are goodbyes.” His fingers trembled as he brushed his hair back, looking up with feverish eyes. “I do not want my human life to end in this bedroom. I have spent so much time throughout my life confined in side these walls.” He took a shuddery breath. “Please, bite me in my rose garden.”

Atsushi could not refuse him. He gently gathered Asagi into his arms and carried him outside. The roses were beginning to wilt—just as their master was. It seemed only fitting that his human life would end in this garden. Atsushi sat beneath one of the rose bushes that Asagi had tended so dutifully when he was healthy. He watched his lover look around. Watched him reach out to touch a rose petal, fingers brushing over it as he smiled weakly.

“I wonder who will tend the roses when I’m gone,” he wondered.

Atsushi kissed his hair. “I’m sure someone will do it to honor your memory.” He drew back slightly to frame Asagi’s face in his hands, wanting to look at his lover as a human for just a little longer before he ended his life. Asagi studied him before turning away to cough.

“Hurry,” he rasped. 

Atsushi leaned in to kiss his lover. Then he lowered his fangs to Asagi’s neck, sinking them into soft skin. This would be the last time he tasted Asagi’s sweet, mortal blood. 

* * *

Atsushi turned his face up to the rain, closing his eyes as the drops washed the tears from his face. It was only right that the skies mourned for Asagi’s loss. Though he would live on as a vampire now, he would be changed. The old Asagi was dead and Atsushi would come for the new one after sunset. He let out a sigh then opened his eyes. Asagi’s dying wish had been for his grave to be placed in his rose garden. His mother could not deny his request. And so his funeral and burial took place beneath his beloved roses. It pained him to watch one of the servants filling the grave with dirt, covering Asagi’s coffin from view. So he turned to look at Asagi’s mother. It hurt just as much to watch her sob, clutching a rose to her chest while her bright rose was entombed in the earth.  
“He is safe now,” Atsushi said softly as he laid his hand on her shoulder.

She did not speak. Only nodded, gripping the rose so tightly that blood began to drip down her fingers. Atsushi wanted to stop her but knew he should not interfere. She had just suffered a terrible loss. The pain caused by the thorns might help her cope with her emotions.

Atsushi smiled sadly then looked at the grave again. His love would not be in there for long. As soon as the sun set, Atsushi would dig up the grave. Then he would escape into the night with his beloved. He had already packed for the journey. He’d brought some of his paints, the rose kimono he’d bought for Asagi, and had wrapped some of Asagi’s most precious belongings in the kimono. There was little he could take with him, but it was important to bring a part of Asagi’s human life with him. So he would not lose himself entirely during the change.

* * *

Time seemed to crawl as Atsushi waited for sunset. He busied himself with packing and saying his goodbyes to Asagi’s mother, the doctor, and the servants. It hurt to leave the people he had stayed with for the last three years. They had been so kind to him. In a perfect world, he would have liked to stay longer, but he could not. He needed to retrieve Asagi’s body and me sure they were in a dark and secure place before he awakened.

Once the sun began to set, Atsushi finished his preparations to leave. This was the complicated part of his plan. No one could see him digging up Asagi’s body. So with everyone he passed, he persuaded them to rest. It had been a long and emotional day. They needed time to recover. Persuasion was one of a vampire’s many skills and something Atsushi tried to use only when he needed to. For tonight to be a success, persuasion was vital.

He could not suggest that every member of the manor rest. So he was cautious. He dressed in black and wore a black head covering to try to blend in with the shadows. He wore his pack already and had to briefly stop by the stables to take a shovel.

The earth gave in easily to the shovel as he started to dig. He dug quickly, glancing back every so often out of fear that he would be seen. If anyone from the manor saw him digging up Asagi’s grave… no, Atsushi had been too careful and too prepared for that to happen. If it did though, he would have to manipulate their memory so they would forget that they had seen him at the grave. Atsushi resumed digging. He froze when his shovel hit the simple coffin that housed Asagi’s body. Atsushi glanced around then leapt down into the grave. He opened the coffin and felt his still heart melt all over again at the sight of his lover. Asagi wore a white burial kimono and had a rose clasped between his fingers. He had been buried with roses as well, petals scattered over his hair and clothing. Asagi and his precious roses. Atsushi drank in his lover’s features for one more moment before shrugging off his pack. He could not stay. He pulled a black traveling cloak out and wrapped Asagi in it. It would be too easy to see Asagi’s white kimono in the night. Atsushi pulled his pack back on before lifting his lover into his arms. Tenderly, he kissed Asagi’s hair and leapt out of the grave. He set Asagi down then replaced the lid of the coffin. He quickly refilled the grave, smoothing over the dirt to avoid arousing suspicions. Then he lifted Asagi back into his arms.

Atsushi leaned down to kiss his lover’s hair. “I hope you will not regret this,” he whispered. He pressed Asagi closer and looked to the manor one last time before fleeing into the night.


End file.
